Sunday, November 28, 2010

"God is great, beer is good, and Enid is crazy."

I have a confession: I'm a little blog shy.

If you know me, you know I am a very animated storyteller (and if you don't know me personally, I guess you just learned something new today). Not only that but I have a lot of remarkably ridiculous and or hilarious stories to tell (look the tag line of my blog for goodness sakes). I just cannot get over some weird stigma that come with posting pieces of my life online for the world to see. I mean, it's not like I haven't done that already. 

But tonight I'm sure going to try. 

I went back home for Thanksgiving break (as most of you probably did). If you've never been to Enid, there are several things you should know:

1. We boast one of the largest Wal-Mart Supercenters in the nation.

2. The giant gazebo at Government Springs park is the best place in the world to swing dance. 

3. Enid is not pedestrian friendly unless you're downtown. Try finding a sidewalk, I dare you. 

4. Everything, save Walmart, bars, and IHOP, closes around 9 pm. 

5. Speaking of bars, there is a place very special to Enid called Scooters. 

Scooters is a country/western bar that, according to my mom, houses a very diverse and interesting night crowd. I can recall plenty of two stepping adventures my mom has had at this, until recently, mysterious place. 

So, Friday night my friend Leslie, boyfriend Cavner and I were sitting at a restaurant having a dandy time, when we reached a collective epiphany: it only makes sense that we go to Scooters tonight. 

Duh. How did we not think of this sooner?! Imagine the endless fun and enjoyment we could get from taking a stroll over there?

Yeah. Uh huh, right. 

So we piled into the car blasting the Beibz all the way (much to Cavner's dismay) to this mecca for Stetson wearin' dancin' fools. 

We walked in and immediately were greeted by a warm welcome. The man checking IDs (I expected this because we didn't look like bar folk waltzing in with our t-shirts and fleeces on) greeted us and took our cover and opened the register to get our change. This upset an older pair or ladies standing next to us who had arrived before us. 

"Hey!" One of them grunted in a raspy voice, "They can wait! We were here first!"

I told you, warm welcome. 

So we walked through the haze of smoke. There was a bar on the wall closest to where we came in, then a large dance floor took up the center of the place. Barstools, tables, and people lined the edges of the dance floor. On the opposite side of our entrance, there was another bar, and behind that, there were rows of pool tables.

Being the bright eyed, curious explorer I was, I decided that it would be a great idea for us to venture over to the pool tables.... Not so much. 

I glanced around. Nothing incredibly momentous was happening, so I made a declarative statement to the people I was with

"Well, I don't really see anything interesting going on back here, let's walk around some more."

Harmless, right? Think again. 

As the words left my mouth, some guy with a backwards hat and blonde eyebrows was standing a good six feet away from the three of us turned and looked at me like I had just dissed his girl (or SOMETHING). In short, he was offended. 

He looked at me, threw is arms up into that stance that's a mixture of "I don't know" and "Are you talkin' to me?!" He puffed out his chest and finished up his animalistic threat with a big solid "WHAT?!"

I looked at him almost as confused as he was offended, and followed my retaliative instincts by flashing the guy a big smile and two big fat thumbs up. Goodness. I don't know. 

Well, I immediately realized I had done something stupid, so I urged us away from the dude and his group of friends. Lucky for me, the threat of immediate danger was low due in large part to my boyfriend who could rip the guy in half. 

However, the confrontation continued from a distance because the guy kept staring at me, then he began recounting the horrific incident to his cronies. 

Again, the threat of imminent danger was low. Big scary boyfriend and scrappy sassy girl friend had my back. 

It wasn't until I was alone for half a second that this big bad backwards-cap guy made his move. I was walking out of the bathroom, not two steps away from Leslie, and homeboy walks by me, ducks his shoulder, and gives me a good nudge. I wavered in my steps a bit, but the sheer ridiculousness of this guy shoulder ducking to get at me gave me no other choice but to laugh out of pity. 

Does this give me permission to say I've been in a bar fight? Not that I want to...... I'm just..... curious.....

Of course this blonde eyebrow boy was wrong to shove me, but don't you just feel bad for him? I kind of do. But I would have really pitied him if he had done that in Cavner's line of vision. For now he can take his self-satisfying unprovoked baby tantrum home to his momma. Shoot. 

So relatively unscathed, I was hoping to escape from Scooters without any more trouble, but trouble's got a thing for me that just won't quit. 

As we continued this adventure through the bar, I heard Leslie yell a ways away to some friends. I walked up to the circle partially deaf from the loud music, my thoughts elsewhere (I was thinking about how in the world that dude got his eyebrows so bleach blonde). Then as luck would have it, one of the circle folk called out my name over the music. 

"Frances! Oh my gosh it's been soo long! Too long!"

Intoxicated. In front of me. In the flesh. 

"Whoa! Hello my first real boyfriend, better known as my first ever ex-boyfriend."

Well I didn't actually say that, I said his name.... This is more along the lines of what I was thinking while I was speaking. 

He said: "It's been so long! How are you? Who's this?"
I said: "Yeah! Yeah it has... Yeah! I'm good. I'm really good. Uhh... Yeah!"
I thought: "It really hasn't been too long. On the contrary, it hasn't been long enough. I'm uncomfortable. Who is this guy? Uhh.... I have to run away now."

Readers, I don't know about you, but one of my biggest fears, anxieties, awkward behavior catalysts is when my boyfriend meets happens to run in to my ex. Really? Really? 

Well, it was weird for me, but as far as everyone else went, things were fine. I mean, exbf was in a happy place and Cavner can talk to a wall. 

What seemed like ages and several awkward pauses in conversation later, the three of us escaped left the place better people laughing hysterically.. Did it make a good story? I think so, and I hope you did too. Will I go back, that's really still up in the air.

If I do, I'll let you know.

1 comment:

  1. Okay, next time I go with you - at least that way you can dance. I'll have your back.

    Love this, love this, love this.